When Anne Lamont has dark thoughts she pours herself a
glass of water and drinks it. Try this. It is an excellent way to pause and start to re-group.
Dear reader(s) – all four of you – who may be wondering where I have been. Well.
So, I got a job! I worked many, many hours. Then, I lost a job.
You could say I am in a re-group. (I am drinking water as I write this.) So, I may have mentioned I have been unemployed since November (with the exception of most of August, that is). I have not written too much about this because, well, there hasn’t been entirely too much to say
except unemployment is its own kind of work.
All situations in my life are lived through more efficiently when I adjust to what is. I do not want to write about how I will be okay when I get a job. I want to write about my own willingness to face my own uncertainty. The deal with “not knowing” is so funny, because none of us knows what will happen next. We, (well I and maybe you) often think this means that the next solid thing will happen.
Sometimes it will and sometimes it will not. This is said better by one of my teachers:
“As human beings, not only do we seek resolution, but we also feel that we deserve resolution. However, not only do we not deserve resolution, we suffer from resolution. We don't deserve resolution; we deserve something better than that. We deserve our birthright, which is the middle way, an open state of mind that can relax with paradox and ambiguity.” (Pema Chödrön, author of “When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times”)
I totally agree. However, during the brief period I had a job, someone hit my car. (It’s karma: I have hit many a car.) It makes this odd sound when I coast downhill. The pup (Scout) is sick and we went to the vet and it cost $300! I can’t find my sneakers because, also, the previous job moved me to Providence so a lot of my stuff is relocated, shifted, not where I thought it was. Yesterday I bought a laundry bag because I thought mine had been stolen, only to find mine later. I keep thinking it would be the correct time for a mid-life crisis – but I do not desire such drama. Besides – wouldn’t I have to buy a convertible? I doubt that is in the budget.
I also know these are luxury problems. I am healthy, I am loved and I still have my looks. (Listen! Affirmations are important during times like these!) Seriously, I know it is simply “a time.” I also am sure I have and will learn from it.
I do not believe everything happens for a reason. I think the universe is more complex, mysterious and random than that and besides it is the universe, not a math problem. All things do not add up to a particular sum. All things are the sum.
I do believe that if I am here, wherever “here” is, I want to show up for it. So, I am waking at 6 a.m. to walk the pups. (There is a beautiful off-leash spot near where I live.) I am meditating semi-regularly and I am trying not to write a story inside my head about the events in my life. Although I sometimes feel like portions of my life are the middle end of the romantic comedies where all goes askew – RIGHT BEFORE our humble heroine finally gets what she wants.
Uh. Oh. That is not accepting ambiguity. Oh, Pema forgive me I am trying!
When none of that works. This part from the movie classic “Finding Nemo” does:
Dory: Aww, Mr. Grumpy Gills. When life gets you down, do you wanna know what you've gotta do?
Marlin: No I don't wanna know.
Dory: [singing] Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.
So, I will “keep swimming” and try to sing as I go.